I hate caving in but, to save something, sometimes you just have to. I’ve come to realize that no matter how hard you make someone understand, you just can’t if the person’s unwilling to. So, if on the third try, they still won’t heed your plead, then just do yourself a favor and shut up. It won’t do you both any good by continuing with useless arguments. To save energy, time, and your relationship from further damage, just stop. Stop from talking and just cave in. When talking is useless, just stop and write your thoughts. Not everything needs to be said out loud and sometimes silence saves someone from a lifetime of regrets.
Silence
"Conscience off, DICK ON! And, everything’s gon be alright."
— Jason Stackhouse, True Blood Season 3, Episode 1.
Own It
Once I get the hang of this new job of mine, IMA OWN THIS MUTHAFUCKA. Okay I’ve been humbled down, and I’ve laid low for a long time now This is my time to shine a new. The once competitive, confident, know-it-all must come out of it’s shell. It’s time to raise the stakes and keep up the poker face. Cause ladies, I ain’t backing down, like what I’ve done before. New job, new opportunity, and fresh new start. Let’s not fuck this one up ayt?
I’ve been feeling blue this past couple days. Co-workers of mine have not been treating me like ‘of their level’ cause they say, I’m younger than them, in-experienced, and so forth. But, all I can say that even though I may be younger, and very quiet (for now), I still managed to perform better than most of them. This didn’t came from me, our trainer pointed this out earlier this morn. She said that there’s one other person in the room who have been performing beyond expected. Know what they did, they were like guessing who the person is, and I was actually not a part of their first three guesses. The trainer was like, “see you guys couldn’t even guess who that person is, it’s actually Jac, in her own quiet way.” I am the underdog, the in-experienced one, the youngest of ‘em, but what do you know? Right?! AHA!
I am not just enthusiastic, proud, and happy with my job, but now, I have eagerness, tenacity and single mindedness of purpose; that is to prove to myself that JAC (from way back, before all the shit I’ve done) could really be BACK!
This is it. Ima go full speed on this. The underdog, very not expected to perform well, will outwit, outlast and outlive them all. MUWAHAHAHAHA. See ya suckers!
Post Training
First training day, and first graveyard shift for a very long time. I was surprised I didn’t feel sleepy at all. The topics were relevant and informative. I was also very interested in it maybe that’s the reason I was wide awake. I’m having a hard time feeling comfy tho. I feel like it’ll take a long time for me to be able to feel comfortable and not awkward with the people there. I feel hostility in the air. Lol. I may just be paranoid and exaggerating. I just need to quit whining and stop thinking about irrelevant things. Ima cross the bridge when I get there. So, far, so good - I suppose. But anyways, I do hope i could get some shut eye still. I only had 4 hours of deep sleep. I will attempt to sleep ‘til around 6pm then get my ass up fast cause starting later tonight, we are monitored for tardiness already. I don’t wanna taint my new record at this new institution. I am the crappy tardy person as always (since high school, to college and at my part time job) and i wanna change that now. It’ll be a record breaker if I get to have 0 tardies. Yea. Good thing about this training was that I was able to comprehend, relate to and appreciate the information acquired. I hope I’d have an easy time later on too. For now, GOODNIGHT again.
Tangina this!
GRRR
Maybe this guy haven’t been to places. LOSER! Poor guy or just too jealous. Either way, poor fucking guy.
Introductions
Honestly, I don’t know why I’m suddenly not enthusiastic about my job. Don’t get me wrong I am happy about landing this new gig, and starting a new career but, somehow, I lost the fire that burned within when they told me they liked me and they’re going to hire me (even though I am not yet an experienced recruiter/sales/IT associate). True enough, during orientation this morning, I found out that I was the youngest with the least experience among my co-level batchmates. Someone with more experience than me got a lower position even. Will this prove to be the great undoing of me or would this be an advantage. I did very well - unexpectedly well, they mentioned - during my interview and this pumped me up. It woke up the old Jac that I didn’t know was still there in me, just you know sleeping maybe. I was on hype, happy mode (as I’ve mentioned in my last few rants.. er blogs hehe) but, now… I am like super laxed and nonchalant? I dunno how to explain how I’m feeling. I just know that this phase/mood/zone is bad for me. This is like the no brainer Jac. The goes-with-the-flow Jac. The detached Jac. I don’t wanna be that JAC. I wanna be the driven, energectic, adroit Jac that came out a few weeks back. So, what’s up with me? I just don’t get my fricky mood swings and shit sometimes, or a lot of times for that matter. Lol.
Anyhow, just to clarify things, I liked what I heard I’d be doing, and can’t wait to actually be doing it as well. I just have to physically show that I am enthusiastic about it. I don’t want to be comfy, complacent and relaxed. I wanna feel pressured, criticized, and push to my limits. I would cry my heart out because I will feel a bit drained and stressed but, that’s the time I work my ass off. This acts as a buffer for me. Not really the decision maker for making or breaking but, I know this type or motivation technique helps me a lot in performing better. I really hope I could deliver. Maybe I’m just nervous too that’s why I look like a lackluster individual. And ‘cus I’m shy during the first few getting-to-know phases.
I guess I’ve also pretty much hinted on the things I am grateful for today and also the fricky things. Oh and another upscale with this job is that I can earn much much more if I just do my best. I also have a HSBC credit card now ;) Yey!
Anyways, I’m now practicing trying to feel alive and awake during weee hours of the night and just turning my body clock. I just hope I’ll be able to sleep well later on. I am afraid I’d fall asleep during the first official training day. I wanna learn everything and listen to what they have to say and apply what they could teach. I believe that in order to make myself efficient and to be able to do my best in the future I must be fully focused on the training program. I could not afford to feel sleepy, to doze off, or to be forgetful due to sleep deprivation. I just can’t and I know it’ll be a hella hard day tomorrow night. Excited and agitated here. Yikes.
Last Main Feature
Goodbye to good ol bum days. Busy days are here to come. Okay since, I gon be all busy now, bff Cherryberry and I had a sunday afternoon delight. She gave me my birthday present (yey!) and I accompanied her while shopping. I had fun goin round the mall, looking for clothes, and just talking. Afterwards we saw Step Up 3. I didn’t like it that much. It was kinda over the edge now. I liked the first two movies tho. Anyhow, I do wish I would still have time to kill even with my new graveyard shift career. Going back to my present, Che got me The Luxe Novel by Anna Godbersen. OMG. I’m going back to reading young adult fictions! Lol. It’s just something to get me in touched with the innocence of yesteryears. Somehow, I realized I do need to get some child at heart imagination. I don’t wanna be all to serious now. I do hope itll be a good easy read. I just started reading it now and so far, so good.
"The most important decisions are the hardest to make."
— Step Up 3
Grey Days
It’s sooooo hard for me to keep up with the positivity vibe. It’s just not me, but I have to for the sake of my sanity and to avoid wrinkles. Lol. It’s been exactly two weeks since I’ve last visited the gym. I think I lack endorphins. I do need an upper again to make me exhilarated. Ever since the house has been jampacked with people, I just can’t help being all moody and irritant. I feel like my house has been invaded, let alone my freaking space and privacy. It’s just so hard to be all relaxed and comfy amidst people who irriated me. I just I am a loner type afterall. I just don’t like being with people who can’t pick up after themselves. Why do I have to be the adult in our household. You’ll know what I’m saying, if we’re close friends. I am just tired of just thinking about everyone and everything. No matter how hard I try to be indifferent of what’s going on around me or nonchalant, I just can’t. I suffer the consequences. So, I am at lost on what I could do to avoid being all worked up and grouchy. I need to find a way and the only resolution to this problem is move out. MOVE THE FUCK outa this situation. See just now, my uncle just told me a problem between my sister and cousin, so what do I have to do, just repremand them again and be the adult/villain of it all. Right? FUUUUCK. It’s like I have kids already. Damn. I don’t wanna grow old too soon. I hate this feeling. I don’t know if I could do it this early, but, if my health, rest and work performance is on the line, then I would.
As for the positive side of all things grey, atleast I’ll be busy again, and now with a new career. I hope this new phase in my life will be the stepping stone for a brighter future. I hope I do great and that I’ll come to love what I’ll be doing. Tomorrow’s my first day. Onboarding orientation for new hires. I hope I get to meet people I could learn a thing or two from and them from me. Also, I hope this job can allow me to earn and save enough dough to help me move out. My days here over. Yey!
Next good thing about these past few grey days was spending the weekend (my last bum weekend), with Mark. Oh yeah it was just blissful. I spent 2 days with him just pigging out, sleeping (yeah a very peaceful slumber) and doing movie marathons (mafia movies lol). Oh I just wish the weekend was much more longer.
Today, I’ll be going through my requirements to get ready for tomorrow. I hope everything will go as planned. I just wish there were more reasons or things to help me smile and be excited when I wake up each morning/night (gy days are here).
Wish me all the luck I would need.
"What’s the difference between rap and hiphop? It’s simple. It’s like saying you love somebody and being in love with somebody. Rap is just a word."
— Syd, Brown Sugar